Random Thoughts

I've been reading a lot on message boards and communitiers devoted to Weight Loss Surgery lately and I've noticed a very all-or-nothing attitude from many posters. Now, I'm not knocking it. If it works for you, then that's what you should do. But that view has never really worked for me. I approached things differently because whenever I give myself hard rules and then I don't follow them perfectly, I end up beating myself up about it and feeling crappy and then making further choices that aren't helpful to my goals. (Notice I didn't say "bad choices." That's because thinking in terms of "Good" and "Bad" gets me in mental/emotional trouble.)

So, I approach it by looking at every meal, every bite of every meal, as an opportunity for me to decide to move toward my goals...or away from them. There are still Rules - it's WLS and lifestyle changes after all - but I give myself permission to not be perfect at following the rules. I aim to follow the rules and make decisions that bring me closer to my goals at least 80% of the time. More is better, but less is okay as long as it doesn't develop into a multi-day trend. For instance, I was craving chocolate in the worst way last week. Instead of torturing myself with NO chocolate (I didn't have anything sugar/fat free that was chocolate flavored in the house), I allowed myself to have 8 morsels of the Ghirardelli 70% Cacao chocolate morsels - the little chips that you can buy in the bags to make cookies. I ate them 1 at a time and let them melt slowly in my mouth and it was heaven. It killed the craving, I didn't feel deprived, and I also didn't feel the need to beat myself up about it. In fact, I felt a sense of pride and accomplishment that I was able to limit my portion to an appropriate amount and still enjoy it! Obviously, I can't do that every day, but allowing myself to do it once and really enjoying the experience, was a new and liberating thing for me. I felt less like food was in control, and more like I was in control of the food (and my body.)

As far as the Food Mourning issue goes...I'll tell you that it doesn't stop with surgery. I had it come and go for months before surgery and now 2-3 times in the 9 weeks since surgery. I've been dealing with it by just giving myself permission to feel sad and angry, no matter how "silly" it may seem. I communicate what's going on to my docs, close friends, and wife so that they can support me.

I think it's easy to forget that even after a major life change like WLS, we are still the same people with the same lives/issues/challenges that we were before the surgery - for all the good AND the bad of it. It's easy to fall into a pattern that life will be rosy after surgery....we'll be thin and attractive and everything will be perfect! But it's just not how life works and it can be a major disappointment when that sinks in after you get through the initial recovery and start to feel physically better. For instance, I'm still a person that really doesn't enjoy exercising, even though I do enjoy how it makes me feel. I still love bread. I don't eat it much these days (or at all, really) but I still love it. And I miss it. But I have to just ride it out like surfing a wave. I smell freshly baked bread from a bakery and I allow myself to feel sad and miss it. And then I move on. Sometimes I have to give myself a mental push to move on from the sad feelings, but I do it because it's a decision to do it. I make a decision to allow myself to feel sad, but then I also make a decision to not allow myself to get bogged down in it.

The Final 48 Hours

I'm in the final 48 hours before surgery. Woo! (sorta) It's been relatively sedate so far...did a little bookkeeping work this morning; getting the laundry done and cleaning the house this evening (I took a nap in the afternoon.)

The surgical prep has entered it's final stage and since a picture is worth 1,000 words, how's about a 2,000 word summary? My weekend in 2 images:

 

 

Enough said? Yeah, I thought so. ;)

T -7 Days And Counting

Today marks one week out from surgery (I can't believe how quickly the last month has flown!) and the jitters have definitely taken hold. My head has been all over the place this past week, with my emotions bouncing liberally between excited and anxious, happiness and fear. I guess that's to be expected with any major surgery, but I can say from experience it's not the most fun roller coaster ride. And I was never a fan of roller coasters to start.

The pre-op diet has not been easy to stick with. Especially when feeling emotional/stressed out and craving comfort food. I caved one day last week and had a small serving of mac n' cheese and it took me 3 days to get totally back on plan again. Clearly, all those things about carbs being "addictive" have some truth to them, even if the addictive part is all psychological. Since then, I've been on the look out for non-carb/fat laden comfort foods and have hit upon an old favorite: Tom Kar soup. It's essentially a Thai chicken soup with delicious flavors of Kaffir lime leaf, galangal, scallion, and coconut milk. Look for the recipe in tomorrow's post.

My short-term tumble off the wagon aside, the diet has been amazingly successful so far. (Not completely suprising since I'm eating less than half the calories each day that my body would require to maintain my current weight.) I've lost about 8lbs according to my bathroom scale, bringing me to 320.2 lbs. Pretty impressive for me in such a short amount of time (12 days.) Particularly given the fact that when I'm eating a diet that's a bit less drastically reduced in the calorie department I tend to lose weight at a rate of roughly 1/3rd to 1/2 pound per week...maybe.

Speaking of the pre-op diet, I burned through the vanilla torte flavored protein mix and a now trying the cappucino flavor. It's still a bit sweeter than I prefer, but it has a good strong coffee flavor with a bit of "creaminess" to imply the steamed milk on a real cappucino. I mixed it with my morning coffee yesterday morning because I had run out of milk and it was quite good. (I should also mention for those of you playing along at home that the "grab-n-go" individual serving packets in the link are more expensive than if you were to buy a 1 pound tub of the stuff. I haven't been buying the tubs of anything except the unflavored protein mix because I'm more likely to stick with the diet and drink the damn shakes if I can mix one up when I'm not at home.)

That's the exciting update....I'm off to enjoy the unseasonably warm December weather (55F!)

Too Much of a Good Thing

I'm a little shy of a week into the pre-op diet and as I suspected might happen, I have become rather sick of the protein shakes. It's not that they taste bad - in fact, they are suprisingly good! - it's more than I'm not a big sweets person and never have been. I've always been more of a salt/fat/crunchy person when it comes to food. In the boxing match of chocolate vs. potato chips, potato chips always knocks chocolate outta the ring. So consuming a sweet/fruity type smoothie every day for breakfast is a bit much after a few days.

Yesterday it was freezing cold here (okay....upper 30s, but still!) and overcast and I had a chill in my bones and I just could not face another breakfast of cold/milky/sweet/fruity protein shake . So I cheated. I had an eggwhite omelette with 2 T. of low fat sharp cheddar and half of a pomegranate. Nutritionally it shakes out to around the same calories, a bit less protein, and a bit more fat. Not great, but one meal won't derail my whole world. (I keep telling myself this because I tend towards perfectionism and when things aren't perfect, I have a history of throwing the baby out with the bathwater.)

I put in a call to the nutritionist this afternoon and she suggested that I try the unflavored protein mixed into some plain oatmeal or really anything else I wanted. She said the main point was to keep it low calorie and eat enough protein to keep me satiated until the next meal without snacking. I ordered the unflavored whey isolate protein from Syntrax today from amazon (they have had the best prices so far with free shipping) and it should be here in a few days. I'm looking forward to some experimentation with it...I'm excited to see what the culinary possibilities may be!

Thanksgiving

I wasn't planning on posting today but then decided at the last minute to bring more than just pie to my brother's for the holiday. I've done a simple veggie roast of turnips, carrots, garlic, and lemons (recipe below - if you can even call it that) and my plan is to eat turnips in place of mashed today. I've concluded that one day won't make a huge difference on the pre-op diet as long as I don't go hog wild and part of that plan is that I am following the diet for the first hald the day. To that end, I had a protein fruit smoothie for breakfast and I'm having a frozen meal for lunch. The Thanksgiving meal is set for a bit later in the day (4:00 or 5:00ish) and that will be dinner.

Thanksgiving Veggie Roast

2 large turnips, peeled and cut into 1" cubes
3 heads of garlic, sliced in half
3 lbs. of carrots, cut into 2" chunks
3 lemons, sliced in half
Olive oil
Salt
Pepper

Preheat oven to 400F.

Lightly coat turnips, carrots, cut edges of the garlic and lemons and place on sheet pans so that nothing is too crowded. Roast 30-45 minutes, or until veggies are just tender. Veggies can be served room temperature or easily reheated.

And if you're thinking that roasted lemons sounds weird, trust me - they're divine!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pre-op Diet Day 1

As the title suggests, I started the pre-op diet today. I don't know that I'll be posting every day of this diet, but the inaugural day seemed worth talking about.

Breakfast was a protein shake made according to the Weight Center instructions: 8-12 oz. low fat milk, 1 serving of whey protein supplement, and 1/2 cup fruit. I used the Syntrax Nectar-Sweet protein shake mix in the vanilla bean torte flavor and opted to add the half cup fruit directly to the shake to make it a smoothie.

For fruit, I used the Dole strawberry/banana/peach frozen blend (just frozen fruit, no sugar added). As a smoothie, it wasn't too bad. The protein mix has a distinct vanilla flavor without being too sweet and the strawberry and banana really shined through.

 

I did notice that the protein mix frothed a huge amount when put in the blender with the fruit and the foam didn't subside after a few minutes, but stuck around the entire time I was drinking the smoothie. The foam isn't a big deal right now, but I think it might be an issue after surgery (I can see it turning into stomach pain pretty easily). I've seen these mixer cups around, though....thinking that might be a good alternative to the blender. I won't be eating the fruit immediately after surgery anyway, so I'll only need to mix the shake with the water or milk.

I have a choice for snack of another protein shake or 1 serving of fruit. I'm thinking an apple might be more satisfying. Lunch and dinner are supposed to be 4-6 oz. lean protein and at least 1 cup of non-starchy veggies. The WC nutritionist also mentioned that I could eat low-cal frozen meals instead so I bought a few. I don't love frozen meals, but I I got them easy lunches...hopefully they don't suck. ;-)  It's almost lunchtime so I guess I'll get to find out soon!

I know it's a bit nuts to voluntarily start the pre-op diet earlier than they told me (and the day before Thanksgiving, no less! I'm cooking for the holiday today and the smell of pecan burbon pie is Killing. Me.) but somehow it just seems to make sense to my brain to insert some order into the chaos of food around the holidays by starting a little early. And I figure that a little extra practice at this whole structured eating thing and my new lifestyle around - well everything - but food in particular, might be a good idea. Sometimes change comes slowly. I have a feeling this may be one of those times.

Breaking News

This week the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) sent out a notification to doctors and hospitals telling them that after running extensive government-funded ;-)  tests, they have determined that it is possible to measurably lower the incidence of post-surgical wound infection if patients (meaning yours truly) will just deign to bathe in this fabulous antimicrobial soap for 2 days before, and the day of, surgery.

I'm all for preventing infections, particularly in my body, but this is some uninviting - dare I say nasty - stuff. It smells like a hospital and you have to wash with it like you're in the army. That means soak down, turn off the water, scrub with it from the neck and moving downwards all over (except face and the lady bits) for at least 5 minutes, and then rinse off. No washing with your regular soap afterwards. The day of surgery you can't use your regular deodorant, etc. either.

Admit it, you envy me. :-)

So Much To Do

As I have begun to wade into the fray of surgical prep, I'm realizing the vast number of minute details that need to be attended to and just...stuff that needs to get done. After 45 minutes of my brain buzzing through all this junk last night, I finally got out of bed and hauled out a Moleskine (do you know about Moleskine? I luuuuurve me some Moleskine!) and began writing a list. Getting it out of my head and onto paper definitely helped me get to sleep, but for every item I check off, there's about 3 more I add. It's getting a little ridiculous. I keep reminding myself that this can't continue forever, though, and it's just part of the ride.

Here's the list (so far):

The list isn't really prioritized, though there are definitely priorities. For starters, buying the protien supplement has to come soon because it's part of the pre-op diet I have to start on November 20th. And the power of attorney and healthcare proxy are top priorities, too, of course. I know a haircut may seem a little irrelevant, but it's been about 6 months since I've had a proper haiorcut and the ends are all dry and gross and my life will be easier if I take off about 3 inches. Eliminating hassles for after surgery seems like a good thing, all in all.

I attended the first of 2 nutrition groups for pre-op patients last Thursday. It was a lot of information I already knew - the need to stay hydrated after surgery, the required calcium and multivitamin supplements that must be purchased, etc. - but it was good to hear it all again. The nutritionist gave us each this massive binder full of tabs and not much else and told us that we will be getting materials to add to it at each subsequent nutrition group until we eventually have a binder that is a complete guide to life after gastric bypass. Pretty neat.

I'm feeling a bit less overwhelmed today as things have started to settle down in my brain. I still feel a mix of anxiety and happiness, but I don't feel like there's a pile of granite pebbles raining down on my skull anymore. Improvement! I'll take it.

Holy Crap!

After two years of jumping through hoops and playing nice-nice with the docs on my team at the Weight Center (WC), I finally had a consult with the gastric bypass surgeon today....and I was approved! Woo!

I left Dr. H's office and walked directly into the surgical scheduling office, where I was given a date for surgery (December 10th! AYFKM?! That's 37 freakin days yo!) and a piece of paper with no less than 10 apointments on it that I absolutely positively Must. Not. miss between now and surgery. Isn't it pretty? (Pardon the blur.)

I was then informed that they needed to do a blood draw (roughly a dozen vials, but who's counting?) which process went quickly pear-shaped due to the fact that a) I have veins that roll, and b) I was slightly dehydrated. So, after about 8 sticks, the MA had only gotten half the vials filled and we had to give up. I'll have to try it all over again when I go back next week for the first of what will be many nutrition groups.

I'm totally crazy right now. I'm elated that after years (like...I dunno 6? 8?) of research and fence-sitting about whether I wanted surgery, followed by two years of working with the WC team and trying everything from therapy and support groups to medication and nutrition counselling (and losing a very reputable, but modest, 25 lbs. in the process) that I've finally been approved! Two years was a long time and self-doubt and insecurity had ample opportunity to rear their ugly montrous little heads, but they have been bashed like Whack-A-Mole!

At the same time, I'm completely - I mean totally - overwhelmed. The minute I left the WC today it was as if all those unknowns and the details of life change that I will have to make...all the adjustments I will have to accommodate within my life, within myself came raining down on me like so many wet, clinging snowflakes. And I started Freaking Out. I mean, crying-on-the-phone-to-my-wife-snot-on-my-face-while-I-sit-in-a-public-courtyard-outside-the-WC-office-building freaking out. To get the complete picture, I should add that I was sitting immediately opposite the glass storefront for a burrito restaurant with a lunch bar along the window where several people were sitting and eating (this being the height of the lunch rush). I'm not a Make Scenes in Public kinda gal. Really, really not. Not usually, anyway.

It started with me telling her that because of the date of the surgery, we have to cancel our trip to visit my family in FL over Christmas (no travel for at least 3 weeks after surgery), which really sucks. And I had just gotten off the phone with Dad who had been understanding, saying my health comes first, but he sounded as bummed as I felt. And then I realized that after I start losing weight my wedding rings won't fit and that is what did it! I know it's a silly small thing but I really love my rings. They are the only jewelry I wear every day and they represent so much to me.....it just really set me off and I was crying and snotting all over the place. Yes, I am totally aware that they can be resized. It's not really the point. The point is that my whole life will have to be resized. And that's just.....well, that's a big fucking proposition, now isn't it?